I never seem to remember jokes so here are my favourite jokes:
McGregor, the Bridgebuilder
Two Scotsman were sitting on top of a hill that overlooked their small village. During a break in the conversation, one man lets out a sigh as he’s looking down at his village, and his friend asks him what’s wrong.
“Look at that town down there.” he replied. “You see the bridge crossing the river that leads into our village? I built that bridge with my own two bare hands. But do they call me McGregor, the Bridgebuilder? No.
“And you see the Church in the middle of our village, overlooking the square? Well I built that Church with my own two bare hands. And do they call me…McGregor, the Churchbuilder? No.”
He pauses, and looks over at his friend. “But fuck ONE sheep.”
$800 to drop the towel
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Psalm 129
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Genie Wishes
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Abstinence
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?” “No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks” the young man replied sadly.”What Happened?” inquired the pastor. “My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.
“We know,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Homebase anymore either.”
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past ,
looks up and says “Hey Koala ! what are you doing?”
The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”
So the koala looks down at him and says:
“Fuuuu – k dude…….how much water did you drink?!!”
Pet Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one Of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
Stepping on Ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
Politics
Lil’ Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her the Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”
“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
Health Checkup
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office, alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly… make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?” You’re going to die,” she replied.
Medical Students
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”.
As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. “Go ahead and do the same thing”, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the bottom of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at the students and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention”.
Christmas Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?” And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
STEM Jokes
Typeface
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says “Oi – get out!…
We don’t want your type in here”
People
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
The Engineers and the Accountants
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “Three people and only one ticket, how’s that going to work?” asks an accountant. “Watch and learn,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their comfortable seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all. “Three people and NO tickets, how on earth can that work?” asks one perplexed accountant. “Watch and learn,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers sit comfortably nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
Partners
A lawyer, and artist and an engineer were discussing which was best: a wife or a secret lover. The lawyer said, “A wife is definitely best. One needs companionship, friendship and security.” “I much prefer to have a lover” replied the artist. “The excitement, the risk, the passion! It keeps me alive.” “I prefer to have both a wife and a lover” stated the engineer. His friends stared at him in amazement; they never suspected he had it in him. “With both a wife and a lover, each will assume that you are with the other, so you can go to the lab and get lots of work done.”
The Six Phases of a Project
1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the Guilty
5. Punishment of the Innocent
6. Promotion of the Uninvolved
Extrovert Engineers
What is the definition of an extrovert engineer?
One that looks at your shoes when he’s talking to you.
Project Timescales
The first half of a project takes 90% of the time.
The second half of the project takes the other 90%.
The Car
A mechanical engineer, an electronics engineer and a software engineer are travelling in a car when it suddenly splutters and stops. The mechanical engineer says, “It may be the injection pump, I’ll get out the spanner and have a look.” The electronics engineer says, “It may be the ignition system, I’ll get out the meter and have a look.” They look at the software engineer. “Maybe if we all got out and got back in again?” he mumbles. “It always works with Windows.”
Red Rubber Object
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a peculiarly shaped red rubber object and told to find its volume. The mathematician carefully measured the object, approximated it to a three dimensional polynomial, and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the object in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-object catalogue.
The Church Steeple
An engineer, a mathematician and an arts graduate were given the task of finding the height of a church steeple.
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The mathematician laid out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the local pub and asked him how high the church steeple was.
The New Bike
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
“The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
The Talking Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
Engineering Optimism
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Some Amusing Quotes
“Prediction is very hard. Especially about the future.” – Yogi Berra
“I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true – I no longer know how to use my telephone.” – Bjarne Stroustrup
“Most people have more than the average number of legs.” – Anon
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” – Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairman of IBM, 1943
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.” – Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut
“If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?” – Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing
“Number 3 pencils and quadrille pads.” – Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer
“Interesting – I use a Mac to help me design the next Cray.” – Seymoure Cray (1925-1996) when he was told that Apple Inc. had recently bought a Cray supercomputer to help them design the next Mac.
“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.” – Edsgar Dijkstra
“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.” – Bjarne Stroustrup
“A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.” – Paul Erdos (1913-1996)
“Nothing from the future quite works yet. If it did, it would be the present.” – James May
“It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.” – Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
“Grove giveth and Gates taketh away.” – Bob Metcalfe (inventor of Ethernet) on the trend of hardware speedups not being able to keep up with software demands
Submit a new joke.
Managers vs Engineers
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 & 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 & 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is that I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replies the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man below, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
The Hierarchy of Power Semantics
In the beginning was the Plan and the Specification. And the Plan was without form and the specification it was void. And darkness was on the face of the implementation team. And they spake unto their Leader, saying, “It is a crock of shit and it stinks to high heaven.”
And it was the Leader and it was the Project Head. Now the Leader spake unto the Project Head, saying, “It is a crock of faeces and intolerably malodorous.” And it was the Project Head and it was the Department Manager. Now the Project Head spake unto the Department Manager, saying, “It is a container of excrement and its effluvium is very strong.”
And it was the Department Manager and it was the Product Manager. Now the Department Manager spake unto the Product Manager, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer of overpowering strength.” And it was the Product Manager and it was the Centre Manager. Now the Product Manager spake unto the Centre Manager, saying, “It containeth that which aideth the growth of plants and strong it is.”
And it was the Centre Manager and it was the Director. Now the Centre Manager spake unto the Director, saying, “It promoteth growth and it is very powerful.” And it was the Director and it was the Vice-President. Now the Director spake unto the Vice-President, saying, “This powerful new product will promote the growth of the Company.”
And the Vice-President looked on the product and saw that it was good.
Military and Civil Engineers
Q: What’s the difference between military engineers and civil engineers?
A: Military engineers build missiles. Civil engineers build targets.
Wedded Antenae
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was great.
Programmers and Lightbulbs
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Can’t be done – it’s a hardware problem.
The Human Body
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “The creator must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has so many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
Mathematical Knowledge
Two mathematicians are in a restaurant, arguing. The first mathematician is complaining that the average citizen knows nothing about mathematics, and most need to use their fingers to add up. The second is admonishing him not to underestimate the average citizen’s intelligence or mathematical knowledge.
After much argument, the first mathematician staggers off to the toilet. The second mathematician calls the tired-looking waitress over.
“Yeah?”
He hands her £20. “I’d like to play a little joke on my friend when he gets back. I’m going to ask you a question. I want you to answer, ‘X squared.’ Can you do that for me?”
“Sure, whatever.”
After a few minutes, the first mathematician returns and sits down. The second mathematician says, “Look, I’ll show you that the average citizen knows more about mathematics than you think they do.” He waves the waitress over.
“Yeah, what?”
“I just have a simple question for you. Can you tell me what the answer to the integral of 2x dx is?”
The waitress scrunches up her face. “Sure, that’s… X squared.”
The second mathematician leans back in his chair, looks at his friend, and smiles smugly.
Then the waitress calls over her shoulder, “Plus a constant.”
The Dropped Electron
Two molecules are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says, “Wait, I think I dropped an electron.” The other looks at him and asks, “Are you positive?”
Heisenberg’s Certainty
A traffic cop pulls over Werner Heisenberg. He walks up to Heisenberg and asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” “No, but I can tell you exactly where I am.”
Computer Gender
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. “House” for instance, is feminine: “la casa.” “Pencil,” however, is masculine: “el lapiz.”
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computadora”), because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
- Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (“el computador”), because:
- In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
- They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
- They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better one.
The women won.
Headache Cure
A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: “Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. “You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you’ve been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning. He entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: “Let’s see… size 44 long?”
“That’s right, how did you know?” said Jerry, laughing.
“I’ve been in the business 60 years!” replied the tailor. Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked: “How about a new shirt?” Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed. The salesman eyed Jerry again. “Let’s see… 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?”
Once again, Jerry was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Like I said, I’ve been in the business 60 years!” So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: “How about new shoes?” Jerry was on a roll and so thought ,why not? So the salesman eyed Jerry’s feet and said: “Let’s see… you must be a size nine-and-a-half?”
Jerry was astonished. “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Well, young fella, I’ve been in the business long enough to know these things!” Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: “So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?” Jerry thought for a second and agreed. The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said: “Let’s see… size 36.” Jerry laughed.
“Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The salesman shook his head. “There’s no way. I’m never wrong. You can’t wear a size 34.”
“Oh yes I can,” replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
“I don’t understand,” said the tailor. “By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Creation
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God. “It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied, “the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,” reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced,” as she put it. That is a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.” And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?” “Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull; all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.” God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let’s see….where did I put that useless tit ?”
Positive Comments
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says….. “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.” He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice…….. “Well……there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Social Security
A gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later”.
The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
The Camel
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
“Well,sir,” is the nervous reply, “As you know, there are 250men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have…m-m-m…. urges. That’s why we have the camel, sir.” The American Captain says, “I can’t say that I condone this,but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay.”
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with hisown urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it,pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, “Is that how the Irish do it?”
“Uh, no sir,” the Sergeant replies. “They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.”
Vet Fees
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. She put her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, ‘I’m so sorry, your duck has passed away.’
The distressed owner wailed, ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,’ he replied.
‘How can you be so sure,’ she protested. ‘I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma.’
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on its hind legs, put its front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, ‘I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.’ Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. ‘£150!’, she cried, ‘£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!! ‘The vet shrugged. ‘I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now £150.00.’