This page is a collection of all the obscure, funny, weird and interesting things I’ve found on the Web over the year. It’s sort of visit-once content so not worthy of a bookmark but worthy of being recorded somewhere. Yes, this collection is probably a result of procrastination. You should always view the Web with a cynical eye so I’ll shout out to snopes.com, which basically discerns fact from fiction.
If you feel guilty about procrastination (and who could blame you as the Web is full of quotes about how bad procrastination is) then let me put your mind at ease:
Why procrastination is good for you
6 reasons why procrastination can be good for you
So without further ado, my collection of filtrate from the Web…
Double King
Gatsby
Gadsby is a 50,000 word story written by Ernest Vincent Wright. It was written entirely without using the letter “e”. Now I have to TLDR this one but parts I looked at seemed reasonably coherent. Who knows, maybe its actually a good story….
Mime artist in morph suit asked people for money to guess his identity at village fete, then disappeared with hundreds
credit: iNews
A man who dressed up in a morph suit and asked people to pay to guess who he is has disappeared with the money, and people still don’t know who he is. The mystery suspect wandered around a village fete only communicating through the medium of mime, leaving carnival organisers unable to identify him. Attendees of Woolaston Carnival in the Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire, were asked to donate £1, with people assuming the donations would go towards the local church.
However event organisers are increasingly concerned he used the disguise in order to con visitors into handing over cash without any intention of helping the church.
‘Is it a bird?’
In order to not speak the man handed out entry forms stating: “Is it a bird, is it a plane? No it’s Woolaston’s Mystery Man” and left space for people to leave contact details and guesses.
His identity remained a secret throughout the day, but within hours of him raising what is thought to be several hundred pounds, he is feared to have fled. Villagers say they still don’t know if they have been duped or are victims of a bad joke.
Carnival co-ordinator Andy Morgan Watts, who led the parade in his vintage car dressed as a ringmaster, said: “He just appeared. Everybody was applauding him because it seemed such a clever way of raising money.
“But when he disappeared it left a bad taste because people thought they had been giving money to charity. I still like to believe that he is just dragging it out to get the maximum amount of money possible from a good idea.”
Sue Anderson, who is on the carnival committee, said: “Everyone thought it was a great idea and he was dancing with the samba band and putting his arm around children who wanted their photograph taken with him. “It was a beautiful day and everybody was having a good time but later on towards the end, when everybody thought he was going to climb on stage and do the big reveal, nobody could find him. He had just disappeared.”
Sue and her husband Tony received an email from the “Woolaston Carnival mystery man” offering to put over £100 into the bank if they gave details of the carnival account. The couple have not heard anything since declining to do so and instead suggested a meeting so he could hand over the cash. “I know some people are losing patience because there are older people and children who gave him money from their pensions and their piggy banks,” Sue explained. “We could go to the police but they are hardly going to be able to identify him in a line up and, as everybody keeps joking, he’s probably already got a chequered past.”
The village is now said to be enthralled in a debate over who the man is and what happened to the money. “I have a feeling I know who it is but I can’t say and add to the speculation,” added Mr Morgan Watts, who fears villages will blame the organisers if it does turn out to have been a conman. “If he doesn’t there’s not a lot a we can do. I know people will be upset about the money but we had really good day and that’s what it’s all about. Community spirit.”
Sleeveface
Sealand
The Principality of Sealand is where a guy had adopted a Maunsell Fort (an old WWII structure) just outside the UK’s jurisdiction and declared it his own nation back in the 60s. It hosted a pirate radio station and even servers back in the day.
Museum of Quackery
In case you didn’t know, quackery is the dishonest practice of pretending to have a skill or specialist knowledge. Don’t dismiss how much appeal quacks have – Scientology has 10 million members. I should note, that he Scientologists were eventually forced to admit that their ‘electropsychometer’ (E-meter) did absolutely nothing. The collection in the online museum is interesting and some of the devices were displayed in a museum in the US.
Undo Jesus
undojesus.org It’s a reasoned presentation of why the widespread adoption of Christian religion, through indoctrination of children, has basically done more harm that good. It’s not a hate site but faced with the cognitive dissonance arising from the content, Christian extremists/fundamentalists would label it as such. There are, of course, countless religions in existence (some vying for supremacy) but I think the site would appeal to Humanists and atheists alike. It won’t be long before the site is attacked or taken down under the toxic banner of ‘political correctness’ or ‘religious freedom’ but for now a secular dream survives.
Arse Emoticons
(!) a regular arse
(!) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(*) a sore arse
{!} a swishy arse
(o) an arse that's been around
(x) kiss my arse
(X) leave my arse alone
(zzz) a tired arse
(E=mc2) a smart arse
($) Money coming out of his arse
(?) Dumb arse
(') Pilonidal Sinus
("~") Communication skills coming out of my arseKitten War
Just in case you haven’t had your fill of pictures and videos of kittens, you can go on to kittenwar.com and click on which you think is the cutest kitten. Be sure to vote for Pippa if you see her picture on there!
See you later, alligator
See you later, alligator
After awhile, crocodile
Bye-bye, butterfly
Give a hug, ladybug
Toodle-ee-oo, kangaroo
See you soon, raccoon
Time to go, buffalo
Can’t stay, blue jay
Mañana, iguana
The end, my friend!
Condom Slogans
Imagine if all major retailers started producing condoms
Sainsbury Condoms – making life taste better
Tesco Condoms – every little helps
Nike Condoms – Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms – The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms – Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms – Finger, Licking good.
Minstrals Condoms – melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms – Lightening the load..
Abbey national condoms – because life is complicated enough.
Coca cola condoms – The real thing.
Ever ready condoms – keep going and going.
Macintosh condoms – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple
Pringles condoms – once you pop, you cant stop
Burger king condoms – Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms – “for a longer ride go wide”
FCUK condoms – no comment required.
Muller light condoms -so much pleasure, but where’s the pain.
Flash condoms – Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work
Halford condoms – we go the extra mile.
On digital condoms – plug and play !!!!
Royal mail condoms – I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms – Soft, strong and very very long.
Timex condoms – takes a licking but keeps on ticking
Online Generators
Scott Pakin’s complaint letter generator is one of the best and simplest tools for a quick practical joke if you know someone who is verbose/uptight (this definitely described myself before I had no more f*cks to give). I’ve had so much fun with this over the years. I wish I’d used it on mobile phone companies and gyms whenever I tried to cancel a contract.
The artybollocks generator generates an artist statement to accompany work. It’s good fun but uncomfortably ‘realistic’.
We do live in an age of strange job titles. When I was a lad, job titles were thinks like bin man, salesman or installer but now they’re a refuse disposal assistant, product evangelist or software implementation consultant. If you need someone to fulfil a role but don’t want to pay the market rate, use the jobtitlemaker to produce a fancy sounding job title.
Vrey irnenesttig
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. ceehiro
Textastrophe
The guy starts prank conversations with ad posters and posts it on textastrophe.com Something about holding a prank conversation for a while that makes me laugh.
Salad Fingers
No collection of obscure content from the Web would be complete without a mention to David Firth’s Salad Fingers. This is grim and makes for uncomfortable viewing as it depicts psychopathy.
Urban Projects
Believe it or not, before a generation of selfy-taking narcissists dominated social media, people would actually point cameras away from themselves and photograph things of interest, external to them. One such social media site dedicated to this weird passion of photographing things other than yourself is flickr.com. There’s some weird and wonderful interest groups such as Urban Knitting. Another similar urban beautifying project is where people stick googly eyes to mundane things in cities. Some people do have a lot of time on their hands; from the guy who maintains a blog.
Online Presence
All of these are legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their on-line names might appear …. and be misread.
Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is whorepresents.com
Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at therapistfinder.com
There’s the Italian Power Generator company, powergenitalia.com
And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, speedofart.com
Illusions
I love optical illusions. They remind me of the limitations of our sensory engagement with the world and just how much our brains really contribute to processing those inputs. Our brains do ‘fill in the blanks a lot’, exemplified by this paragraph that was prolific on the web in the early 2000s:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Net result: reality is in the mind. Animals remind us of those sensory constraints. The commoner garden blackbird has far greater colour-vision/acuity than humans. From its perspective, other blackbirds are a multitude of colours. Perhaps the octopus illustrates the sentiment better though as Peter Godfrey-Smith discusses in Other Minds: The Octopus, The Sea, and the Deep Origins of Consciousness – the octopus is an intelligent creature whose evolutionary path diverged from our own 750 million years ago and its intelligence (aka understanding) vastly differs to our own. Even within our own species, some traits such as dyslexia or colour-blindness have different effects on visual-processing – and subsequently how the world around us is perceived and understood.
Some great optical illusions:
http://www.psy.ritsumei.ac.jp/~akitaoka/o1saishe.html
https://michaelbach.de/ot/
Some word illusions: http://old.marcofolio.net/other/15_cool_word_illusions.html
Star Trek Acid Party
Street View Images
In case you didn’t know, since 2007 Google has been using vans to drive around the world and capture navigable images of streets. Sometimes people get caught in interesting acts (or deliberately stage them). There is a site dedicated to collecting said images, streetviewfun.com, but there’s loads of articles that collect these images if you care to search for them.
Olympic Races Visulaisation
The NY Times has a great tool that lets you enter your postcode and visualise Olympic race distances in your local neighbourhood. Really puts the athleticism into perspective when see the areas you walk and the times athletes complete those distances in.
edit: The tool is now behind a paywall so you can’t access it without a subscription.
Pilot Gripe Sheet
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has “never, ever,” had an accident:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Improv / Flashmobs
I’ve had a love of improv since the watching the comedy staple of Whose line is anyway? when I was growing up. Nowadays, I’ve been disappointed by so much bad improv (namely free improv at the Edinburgh fringe) that I’m in two minds. This group improveverywhere.com is a professional outfit used for promotions and some stuff is entertaining (who wouldn’t want to see Wall-e in real life?)…
This sort of street performance is similar to flash mobs – where typically large groups of people coordinate some activity on the public. Now, there’s bad flash mobs where a small group of elderly amateur salsa dancers flash mob outside Poundland in some dreary town centre and then there’s the good ones where large coordinated outfits descend on unsuspecting commuters – search YouTube for flashmobs.
Global Comparison Calculators
We were walking home from school one day and a friend shouted “Ugh Chris has trod in dog shit.” We all stopped and looked at Chris who simply shrugged and said “It’s alright, I’ve got shoes on.” I’ve been to places in the world where people simply cannot afford shoes. Conversely, I once dated a girl who owned over eighty pairs of shoes, no lie. The world is unequal and if you ever feel fed up with your lot, I suggest that you reframe your life from a global perspective.
givingwhatwecan.org has a How Rich Am I? tool – simply put your income in and see the results, you’ll be surprised.
Additionally, if you think your are green, then footrpintcalculator.org may alarm you. I’d like to think I am conscientious but not obsessive with being ‘green’ but if everybody lived my lifestyle, it would take 7.2 earths to support the human population. I’m definitely taking more than my fair share at the moment.
I can think of something pleasenter
I’m not sure if this grosses me out or not. Many species of animals routinely do this but there’s something almost cannibalistic about this practice: eating one’s own placenta. Nevertheless, recipes do exist – you just need some fava beans and a nice chianti.
Scale of the Universe
This interactive webpage is brilliant. You use a slider to zoom in or out from the smallest possible size, the planck length, through to the entire observable universe with illustrations at each size. It’s a brilliant tool for reminding us just how vast existence is.
Interesting Facts
- You can’t create a folder called ‘con’ in Microsoft Windows.
- All the planets in our solar system rotate anticlockwise, except Venus. It is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.
- About 1 in 30 people in the U.S. are in jail, on probation, or on parole.
- Hummingbirds are the only animal that can also fly backwards.
- The creator of the NIKE Swoosh symbol was paid only $35 for the design.
- Insects do not make noises with their voices. The noise of bees, mosquitoes and other buzzing insects is caused by rapidly moving their wings.
- The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- An average persons hand does 56% of the typing. (not sure what does the rest???)
- The cockroach is the fastest animal on 6 legs covering a meter a second.
- Some Malaysians protect their babies from disease by bathing them in beer.
- The only two animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.
- Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year! Electricity doesn’t move through a wire but through a field around the wire.
- An octopus’ testicles are located in its head.
- Oenophobia is the Fear of wines.
- The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.
- The word ‘News’ is actually an acronym standing for the 4 cardinal compass points – North, East, West, and South
- Phobatrivaphobia is fear of trivia about phobias.
- The Muppet Show was banned from Saudi Arabian TV because one if its stars was a pig.
- Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
- China has more English speakers than the United States.All the swans in England are property of the Queen.
- The Yo-Yo originated as a weapon in the Philippine Islands during the sixteenth century.
- The word “listen” contains the same letters as the word “silent”.
- A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long.
- The whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound. Didaskaleinophobia is the fear of going to school.
- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
- A snail can sleep for 3 years.
- The names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
- In 1883 the explosion of the volcano Krakatoa put so much dust into the earth’s atmosphere that sunsets appeared green and the moon appeared blue around the world for almost two years.
- “Almost” is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.
- Absolutely pure gold is so soft that it can be moulded with the hands.
- 55 per cent of people yawn within 5 minutes of seeing someone else yawn. Reading about yawning makes most people yawn.
Hot or Not
No longer available.
In the infancy of the Web around 2000, way before social media, a website ‘Hot or Not’ went viral. Basically you uploaded a photo of yourself and strangers would rate it from 1 to 10. You would do the same on other photos. It never had pretence of being anything other than a superficial bit of fun. Nowadays, no doubt hordes of social justice warriors would target their unhappiness, at the cards they were dealt, in a campaign at the website. I was quite happy with my average 7 at the time.
My housemate got me to upload his photo so I photoshopped a urine stain down his shorts. It was so funny I struggled to keep it to myself but weeks went by and he just didn’t notice so I had to tell him. The joke was one me, he still scored a 9, bastard. I vaguely recall he even got a date with a lass through the site. Who knows what she must have been into.
Work vs. Prison
IN PRISON… you spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK… you spend the majority of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON… you get three meals a day.
AT WORK… you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON… you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK… you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON… the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK… you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON… you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK… you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON… you get your own toilet.
AT WORK… you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON… they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK… you can’t even speak to your family.
IN PRISON… all expenses are paid by the taxpayers, no work required.
AT WORK… you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON… you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK… you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON… you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK… they are called managers.
Stick Scene
If your a movie aficionado then stickscene.com is a quiz to visit. It’s basically Pictionary, where you guess the movie. Be warned: you have to get the title – took me six goes to get 2001: A Space Odyssey. On the movie theme, I like the 30 second bunnies videos where animated bunnies re-enact movies.
Bushisms
US politics has seen a fair number of idiots. If there’s any doubt about America being the land of opportunity, then you only need to read this list of quotes (aka Bushisms) from George Bush and remind yourself that he was president of a world superpower.
edit: Quotes from Trump are funny too – https://www.shortlist.com/news/most-ridiculous-trump-quotes-ever – perhaps it’s a Republican thing.
Hospital Patient Charts
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicide.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40lb weight gain in the past 3 days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
What salesmen are really saying
This is one of those emails that did the rounds in the early 2000s so not sure who it is attributed to.
| Sales Term | What it Really Means |
| New | Different color from previous design |
| All-New | Parts not interchangeable with previous design |
| Exclusive | Imported product |
| Unmatched | Almost as good as the competition |
| Designed simplicity | Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone |
| Foolproof operation | No provision for adjustments |
| Advanced design | The advertising agency doesn’t understand it |
| It’s here at last! | Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming |
| Field-tested | Manufacturer lacks test equipment |
| High accuracy | Unit on which all parts fit |
| Direct sales only | Factory had big argument with distributor |
| Years of development | We finally got one that works |
| Revolutionary | It’s different from our competitors |
| Breakthrough | We finally figured out a way to sell it |
| Futuristic | No other reason why it looks the way it does |
| Distinctive | A different shape and color than the others |
| Maintenance-free | Impossible to fix |
| Re-designed | Previous faults corrected, we hope… |
| Hand-crafted | Assembly machines operated without gloves on |
| Performance proven | Will operate through the warranty period |
| Meets all standards | Ours, not yours |
| All solid-state | Heavy as Hell! |
| Broadcast quality | Gives a picture and produces noise |
| High reliability | We made it work long enough to ship it |
| SMPTE bus compatible | When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound |
| New/Next generation | Old design failed, maybe this one will work |
| MIL-Spec components | We got a good deal at a government auction |
| Customer service across the country | You can return it from most airports |
| Unprecedented performance | Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way |
| Built to precision tolerances | We finally got it to fit together |
| Satisfaction guaranteed | Manufacturer’s, upon cashing your check |
| Microprocessor controlled | Does things we can’t explain |
| Latest aerospace technology | One of our techs was laid off by Boeing |
My Youtube Playlist
Really? You still haven’t had enough? Well, there’s always a YouTube playlist I have…