When I witness someone saying something profound, profoundly daft or just funny, then it is immortalised on this page. I am no exception to the rule.
Mum: “I’m going upstairs. I’m going to change my jeans and put a salad on.”
09 Aug 2017
PW: There’s sh*t loads of books on it to be honest. They’re all in sanscript as well, which makes it a little tricky.
29 May 2017
Me: Honestly, I think we should join a rambling group – it would be a good laugh.
TC: As long as we don’t bump into Janet Street Porter – she’s so rude.
03 Nov 2016
BK: Didn’t everyone pee in the swimming pool as a kid?
Me: I haven’t done since I got a telling off.
BK: How did they know you were peeing in the pool
Me: Well, I was stood on the side.
23 Sep 2016
Me: But honey & lemon doesn’t cure you – there’s no anti-virals etc.
LH: Well, if you’ve got ginger, add some – it helps give that ‘medicinal effect’
01 Sep 2016
Me: Michael, if it carries on, I’m going to have you committed.
Michael: Actually, talking to yourself is the first sign of sanity.
BK: Really, don’t you mean insanity?
Michael: No. Listening to it, is insanity.
09 Aug 2016
EP (referring to his idea of charging for consumables): “And they wonder why they call me the Messiah”
16 Jan, 2016
Me: I was just reading it from the Internet
JP: Well, the Internet’s wrong.
11 Jan, 2016
Me:Then it may be true from the old 80s movies… where we all live in some Japanese 2m x 3m rooms and sit around in a VR headsets opposite a toilet.
PW: And we’ll each have a sex robot.
Me: Oh no; that’s too far.
PW: If that’s not happening, I’m not going to the future.
3 Oct, 2015
JP: I wasn’t lieing, I was just saying the words incorrectly.
7 May, 2015
Me: I thought about our conversation yesterday when I said you could probably trace your family history back to a lamp-post and realised that was entirely inappropriate so I apologise.
SW: Okay, accepted.
Me: It would probably be a bike shed.
3 May, 2015
Me: I need an alarm clock because mine ‘s annoying. I set it to radio and the alarm goes off.
JP: Do you want an alarm clock where the alarm doesn’t go off?
Me: That’s an idea.
18 Mar, 2015 (23:55)
JP: I’ve always said that you get a lot of house for your bungalow.
19 Feb, 2015
PW: To be rich in this world: you have to have your own business or be a criminal; because the people in the middle are getting double-f’d both ends.
LH: Why didn’t you ask me about the opera?
Me: I didn’t think you liked opera.
LH: Of course I do!
Me: Name an opera then…
LH: The Phantom of the Opera
PW: “I’m struggling to find new things to look at. I think I’ve read the Internet now.”
24 Dec, 2009
Watching Emmerdale on TV with parents…
Mum: She posed nude.
Me: Ughh, no.
Mum: What just because she’s a big lady? They draw all sorts of shapes and sizes in art classes because people come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
Dad: Just use more charcoal, that’s all.
01 Feb, 2008
RP: “There’s only so many humanitarian crises one can handle in a year.”
Me: “We could look at your communication skills.”
GP: “I’ve got communication skills coming out of my arse!”
GP: “I went to Checkpoint Charlie. It was meant to be good.”
JH: “What do you mean ‘meant’ to be?”
GP: “Well by this time I was really ill and couldn’t open my eyes.”
RP: “But I’m ill and need to get better.”
Me: “I’ll let you have some Ben & Jerry’s and Beechams. Not that you need my permission but it’ll help catalyse the process”
RP: “If you want to catheterise the process then that’s fine – well, you know, it’s just easier”
Me: “I am capping the number of questions you’re allowed to ask. You have three questions for the remainder of the day.”
R: “Is that all I am allowed to have?”
Me: “Yes, two remaining.”
Dad: “So which monitor do you want: The 23 inch or 24?”
J: “Well the 24 inch is £30 more for an extra inch.”
Dad: “Does 1 extra inch make any difference?”
*PC World girl sniggers*
29 Sep, 2005
RP: I play the game, I play to win. But the rules have changed and no-one told me what they are.
Dad: “That’s not shouting, this is shouting.”
Mum: “No, that’s over-shouting.”
8th October, 2004
Computer Science Lecturer writing on the board
Steve Vickers: You won’t be able to read this and if you can, you won’t be able to understand.